Skin Deep

How should I start this entry? 

Ok at times I am uncomfortable with how I see myself, though the physical is just a shell, I am bombarded by insecurities. You know those unspoken thoughts that keep reminding one of inward and outward shortcomings. I have spoken on this many times before. I need to do a lot of uprooting, so I have to remind myself of why I feel the way I do and how I am going to put it to death.

This blog is not only for my artistic endeavors but my personal experiences, it is for healing, and as I stated above, putting to death my fears and insecurities. I often battle with should I really expose myself in this way? Am I leaving myself open to be wounded? When in reality the wounds exists from within. It will not hurt me for I already have faced the truth of self. I am an open book and  I am leaving my comfort zone in the past...it is very difficult though.

That was the intro of this entry and I still don't know how to go into this lol. This may come out jumbled, nonetheless, I will get to the point. A strange thing happened in my adult years instead of my teens, I began to "break out" aka acne something fierce. Not light but heavy, extremely heavy. This cause me to go into dark withdraw from everything/everybody and magnified every harsh feeling I had about myself, overall severely depressed  It was terrible.I want to link it to stress and poor diet but really it's pretty hereditary. I avoided pictures like my life depended on, I avoided the opposite sex and deemed I will be "forever alone". How does one's skin dictate this though? How does outward appearance make one feel worthless? That is mental sickness. Rigid and low self esteem leads to a very dismal existence. Excuse my language but that shit is a cycle and generational curse that HAS to be broken, or one will be forever "broken". How I let myself get to these levels of despair is beyond me. But I renounce and cast that shit OUT.

My fear was to ever release these types of photos out there but I have to confront MY fear and HEAL.

As you can see in many of my pictures I take off the blemishes.

Yo, this was my skin in 2011.

This is my skin now 2013

My whole point is this, if you can't properly love self then how can you go on loving someone else without the underlying feeling that your flaws dictate how he or she views you? It will cause a rift in the relationship therefore becoming unbalanced and unhealthy.

SELF LOVE..

I am healing internally and externally :)

Much Love and Blessings

-ensilence

Family Ties

young teenage Brit

 From left to right: My mama (Killin that afro puff! YES! lol), baby sister (middle) and my cousin.

Far left is the oldest baby sister and my little brother to the right.

All of us on a Christmas day. I was about 12. 

I been wanting to write this post for a while but kept over thinking it, trying to come up with the right words instead of just the writing words. I will let it flow freely.

They are my foundation and inspiration God has provided me with and I honestly can't imagine what my life would be like without them. Like many families, we have our dysfunction but its never been anything major, more like "who left their stankin' drawers on the floor?!!" or "Yo, who ate my last piece of cake?!" type of stuff. Lol.  I just had a discussion recently with my sister and I remember candidly stating how blessed we are to have unconditional LOVE for each other. No matter how pissed, how twisted attitudes get, at the end of the day, before we close our eyes to rest, we all tell each other "I love you." That has been embedded and it is pure and true. I remember my mom repeating this scripture to us, Ephesians 4:26 -Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

That verse always stuck with me. How awful is it to wake up a vexed spirit? Or carrying a grudge on your heart against your fellow man from a silly disagreement? Some people go on like this for YEARS and it is such a sad sight to behold. It is vital to understand that life is too precious to allow petty things to create a barrier between us. We know that the only separation that could ever be between us would be the distance from which we decide to live, our love can't be divided. I thank the Most High everyday for our closeness. As I became older I realized how precious this bond is and I thank my mother for being, as a friend stated, the matriarchal anchor. Even when holding it down by herself she remained strong, even when she thought she wasn't, we seen the God in her. I love her dearly. I would go to war for her, I would die for this woman. Oh yeah, the crazy goofy personality I have...I get it from her. lol

Honestly, love is all I know and what has kept me from losing my sanity. I count my blessings for there are those who do not know of such a bond. We come from a humble and modest living, the thing is we didn't notice we did because our focus wasn't on the materialistic drive that some chase but it was about sticking together and growing to support and build each other up.  Our focus will always be that. I love watching my younger siblings grow...even though it makes me sad how fast time is flying. At times I want to protect them from the craziness of this world but have to understand they have their own journeys and paths. They have to discover who they are...but I'll still molly-wop someone for looking at them wrong, don't get it twisted lol.

Overall I am truly thankful. Despite the madness I may face in my own life, I can call up, talk, hug, cry, vent to my family. We share that. I pray it may be the same for my little ones day.

Much Love

-ensilence

The Old "Brit"

My mother pulled out some old photos from several years ago to show me and I was astounded by what I saw. I must say I do not miss those days. I also wasn't aware of how heavy I actually was then. Health makes a world of difference and I do not plan on going back. Let me cement that statement, I WILL NOT go back to what I once was.

The fight continued

What you think is impossible in your mind can be obtainable. Your fears/demons can be conquered. Keep pressing and shining.