My Quest...

My faith has always provided a way of escape, at least in my mind. I give many thanks, understanding the struggle within self can be conquered. Sometimes I feel like the weight is overbearing then I breathe, cry, pray and meditate. Not in that particular order. I find that one can get so locked in one's own situation that rest of the world is forgotten. The many situations others face are far more difficult and I am humbled by that as well as bearing intense guilt. 

I think I am afraid of many things, things that I honestly have no control over, so why do I even fret? What causes these mirages of deception? Is it deep insecurities? Afraid of failure? I ask myself these questions frequently. I bear half answers. Actually I take that back I bear the whole as I allow my past to harass who I am to become. At 27 years old, I found myself just starting to live. Arriving late in the game of life, something inside me still whispers, "You have a chance to win." I pray that small voice never becomes mute. Yes, I am in the pursuit for happiness that cannot be quenched by reservoirs of materialism or status. I want Peace and not to neglect the teachings in my faith, that He provides that Peace because I believe, it is the "maintaining" portion that I need to grasp. One thing I do know is that every thing comes with a lesson as well as experience. I am a bit impatient in certain areas and too lax in others.

I will state some things I learned about myself just this year : (bear with me as I may skip around a bit)

I Am Beautiful- Even if I find it difficult to say or type, considering I've always associated it with outward appearance. I am learning to love myself. My heart does count...my character...my spirit. For years I've allowed negative words to have dominion over my mind which in return swayed my actions. So I locked myself away in myself, became isolated from the outside. This began in my teens and worsened in early adulthood. I adopted a hermit like lifestyle which led to severe depression and health problems. I found some freedom when I joined a dance ministry at my home church around 21. I found a way I could touch lives other than just music. Even then I still struggled with who I was. My music became my main vein as I practiced, wrote, and studied my craft, I released. I developed and grew artistically but was still mentally bound. Fast forward to 24 or 25, same condition, same results and suddenly I snapped. I lost a ton of weight (as told in previous entries) to redirect my health which saved my life. When one makes change to take better care of one's self, the outlook begins to shift. I begin to think more positively because what can one accomplish with a negative viewpoint? How long can one sustain a downtrodden spirit without any attempts to look up? Change had to come because I told myself I will not live to see 30, that thought...those words devastated me because in my darkest moments I knew death wasn't the answer. I got up, regardless of how many times I've fell/failed, I rose above that. I still am to this day. I began to forge better relationships and was amazed at how many people actually cared about me. I love my family, I will say a lot of them do not know about these situations but either way their love as well as God's has kept me from going totally off edge. I guess I say all this because one needs to know that words can build and destroy a person, especially when those seeds are planted in a child. It wasn't just  focused on the physical but mental too. Be careful because total restoration can take years.

Piece by piece, and step by step I am healing. I am learning. I am smiling. I am not weak but strong. I'm not a victim but a survivor. I am not ugly...I am beautiful.

Strength In My Walk- Each day brings forth a new challenge, new a lesson, a new experience, it is up to me to take advantage or falter. No one can hinder me but me at this point. The journey has just begun. :)

Progress- It feels good to take those first steps, now it's time for completion. I am prepared for the unexpected. I expect nothing from anyone and am grateful for what I have.


And God Bless who reads all of this because it is a novel LOL. I love you and thank you for being part of my journey.